you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize