She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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