His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
