i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
