I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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