Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize