I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
