i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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