He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize