I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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