God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
