You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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