I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
