so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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