I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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