I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
