I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
