Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
