I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
