Your dad touched me again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
