bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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