im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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