After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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