you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
