there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
