He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
