Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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