I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
