i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize