I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
