today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize