I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
