cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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