I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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