i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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