dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
