well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
