My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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