That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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