My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize