Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
