my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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