Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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