Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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