i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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