Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
