is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
