Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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