we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize