Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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