Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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