just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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