I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize