Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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