Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize