careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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