i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
