what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
