went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
