I puked a lego.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
