3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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