Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
