Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
