I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
