A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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