stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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