She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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