Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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