So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
