yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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