Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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