Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm getting married
To pizza
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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