If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
